Where am I

It has almost been 2 months since the devastating news. All through this time my mum has been a great source of comfort. Her wisdom and comforting encouragement helped me to regain my feet every time I crumble down into a heap of misery.

Where am I now? Am I better? I do not know. Thinking of it still brings a bit of pain every time. It gets less and less. Sometimes a new aspect of the new reality sinks in and again it takes a lot of strength to stop the tears. I have never shed so much tears nor felt pain so physical it petrified me. But as time goes on, the magnitude of pain becomes less, and the frequency with which it stings gets rarer too.

I had a wonderful time talking to my old crush from high school. We became really close friends. Looking back, I wondered how did I get over that episode. It felt really terrible. Distance and time did the work I guess.

Yet, things are different this time. I got more emotionally invested, and the time we knew each other was longer. Sitting in bed last night, I reminisced the time when we barely knew each other. The journey until where we are today was bittersweet, with me longing all the time to have that final reward – her heart. Fraught with disappointments for years, why did I not snap out of it? I do not know. It was foolish to hold on to hope where there was none.

I know this time it is different. I saw where this journey was going and knew it has to end. Perhaps that is why I am dreading it. To end it, to say goodbye to all that means committing all that ever happened to a distant memory, buried deep and waiting for real healing to start. I still cringe with regret, regretting things that I could have done differently, that would perhaps have had a different result.

It means whatever time we have left, I will treasure with the full knowledge that it means nothing and will mean more pain if I hold on to it. It means accepting that the story has been written, and I must put down the pen. It will be a huge effort and takes monumental strength that only God can give to not care emotionally. It will take a long time, and it feels like healing has just only started.

I do wonder, where will we be in 3 years’ time. Will I still cringe with regret and sadness then? Or will I have moved on? Will we be close friends, ever supportive of each other, but separated by distance and slowly drifting apart? Will I wish for her happiness when I get a wedding invitation someday (the thought of which still stings me today)? Only God knows.

Writing down everything is perhaps my only way of accepting things and moving on. For only through writing can I really express my hopes and disappointments in ways I could not with other people – though not for lack of want. All I could do now, is fix my eyes on Jesus, and seek solace that none can give except Him.

..and healing

Pain.. and healing. They come together, don’t they?

I am not pretending that everything is fine. Life sometimes just isn’t. And sometimes there can be people who appear in your life, on whom you briefly admired and poured affection on, just to fill that empty void, though knowing full well it’s just a rebound effect and doesn’t mean anything. Is it part of the healing? Perhaps. I wouldn’t know. I only remember the words which still rang in my ears.

It’s true, you’re not really over something until it doesn’t affect you at all. I find that it still does, even as the feeling gets less and less as time goes by. Still the mere thought sometimes touches a raw nerve, but it doesn’t evoke raw pain anymore. More like a tingling sensation of a distant gnawing feeling which I can’t quite describe. Disappointment? Anger? Betrayal? Perhaps. Or it could be something more. An innate sense of longing for something or someone to fill the void.

Sometimes I still do get a feeling of senseless hopelessness. Senseless because it doesn’t make sense to make my world revolve around a person. Hopeless because that gravity around which I revolved around was taken so suddenly from me. On some days this senseless hopelessness bites at the corner of my heart. What do I do now? What am I supposed to feel now?

Do I continue and drift and find another object of gravity to revolve around? Or do I chart my own path and grow to be a shining star instead? I have chosen the second option. To try and be content in singleness, faithful and hoping upon my Lord. To fill that void with something greater.

And I began by mentally burning all those delusional scenarios of what-could-have-been. The greater hurdle is to prepare myself for the possibility of even greater pain when that truth, that piece of fact solidifies and becomes known. In fact I suspect it’s already known in some circles. How do I react? It’s a question that has been playing over and over in my head. And how do I react when their relationship intensifies? It is still slightly painful to think.

I think partly it was my own folly to elevate a person such as I did. How could you not, if other people’s opinions agree with what you think. It only serves to justify the beginning of a  journey spiraling down. And at the end of the journey, that delusion is shattered. It’s easier to blame the person for not being who you thought he/she should be. But the right thing to do would be to acknowledge that no one is perfect. And so perhaps I was/am in love with a delusional figure, on whom such affection was poured upon and from whom the sense of betrayal came from. A figure that originated in a flawed person, a figure whom I was too blind to perceive and sense clearly to be a deeper and innate sense of longing for a utopian construct. Yet I do genuinely feel the person came close to being that.

On some days, I question myself on what made me feel the way I did. Then it hit me that I was drawn to the kind of selfless love the person had. It was a beautiful thing to behold, and I realised, shouldn’t I be drawn towards God’s love even more? Perhaps that void could only be filled with His unending love, His mercy and kindness, of which only an image was shown here on earth in that person. Perhaps that was why it was such a pain to have lost it and think it could never be mine. Such folly, such foolishness.

And the first step towards healing was acknowledging this.

I suspect it’ll take more time than expected to be fully healed. But I’m getting there.