State of Limbo

Life moves at snail’s pace here at KTT. There is this perpetual sense of suffocating stillness. Everything seems to slow down, and the difference is even more pronounced when one travels from a city like Kuala Lumpur and arrives here.

We are now waiting for that dreaded results of placement into universities in Czech Republic. Everything hinges upon that result. I found myself unable to focus on my studies for the past 3 weeks because I have been expecting the results to come out soon. Yet, my classmates do not really find the idea all too exciting. Many will say that it is enough for them to be able to plant their feet in Czech. I, like them, hold this view too. Suffice to say that guarantee of placement in a university there would be enough for me.

Somehow, though, a little part of me wants to go to Charles Universtiy. Even after knowing the tribulations and difficulties I would face once I step foot there, the dare-to-die and mischievous part of me would nudge me and taunt me, urging me to go for it. The innate desire to challenge myself and torture my soul seems to stem from my nature to defy anything others view as “suicidal”. Even after hearing harrowing stories from seniors there about how the life in Charles is hellish, and the fact that there are some who are threathening to commit suicide (yes, JPA officer told us this), the insane part of me takes delight in the thought and the urge to go there becomes increasingly out of control.

I do not know why I have the desire to rush headlong into anything that seems difficult or deemed impossible by others. Maybe it is the adrenaline rush, or perhaps the secret pleasure I derive from thriving in challenging environments. Who knows, indeed.

Thus it is with great boredom and anxiety that I sit here, typing away, waiting for the day the placement results are announced. Until that day comes, I will not be able to focus on my studies. Maybe this has something to do with the knowledge of where I am heading. I have this weird feeling that I only put in the amount of effort that is proportional to the difficulty ahead. In other words, as long as I do not know where I am heading to, I will not be able to determine how hard I should strive. Curious, is it not?

No. That is utter vanity and narcissism.

Until then, I would stare pointlessly at my books, contemplating my future. Bugger.

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