Sometimes, I just wonder why I cannot go all out and do my best. In the past, I have always wanted to beat people I know I am capable of beating academically. When I cannot be better than them, I still am happy because I know where I stand and I know I did my best.

Now, the feeling of always wanting to be the best is not there anymore – I think it went away during secondary school. When I went to KTT, the feeling of being inferior is so overpowering that not to be the worst person in class is good enough for me. So I scrape by whatever results I get.

Since I came to know God, I know that I should honour Him no matter what results I get. I know that if I get good results, then it is His blessing and not my own work (of course I have to work for it, but hard work does not guarantee good results eh?). The problem is, how much do I want to honour Him through my achievements? Sometimes I look deep down in my heart and ask myself the real reason I want to be the best and beat the rest.

Is it to honour God? I get the feeling that it is not honouring Him if I always want to compete. I do not want to compete now; rather, I just want to give my best. In a sense, I am competing against myself. Whenever I get a less-than-ideal result, I will always get upset with myself because I know I can do better. Then I feel guilty because I could not honour God.

Then came the nagging feeling of the reason I want to be better. Somehow I feel that I am missing the whole point. Someone dear to me once said that in good times or bad, we must praise God. Yet I realise how difficult it is to praise God when I do not get a good grade. Can people REALLY honour God when they are in a bad or difficult situation?

If they can, then I know I have so much to learn, so much more to pray for, and so much more to strive for. In the past, whenever I get bad grades, I always say: God, why can’t I be better? Now, I just say: God, help me do my best.

So from now on, I will settle for whatever grade I get, because at least I know I did my best. Now my only issue is with me not doing my best, not pushing myself hard enough and not really going all out, straining every muscle and ounce of strength and Newton of force in my body, mind and soul to keep going.

Others can do it, why can I not? I always ask God this; to help me go further, one step more, one minute longer, to be my best.

I did not get the bursary or reward for the winter semester. My grades were not high enough to qualify. Money is not the issue – it has always been part of me to want to be able to prove something. Now, I just want to prove that with Christ, nothing is impossible, so I can take pride in Him.

So I want to go all out and do my best, start being someone with a real purpose, direction and integrity and stop settling for whatever I feel is enough. Because enough is never enough, not when God has blessed us with so much abundance that to give our best for Him is like taking a pail of water out of the sea.

Gotta go – need to study for Friday’s test..

It really is amazing how the Almighty God can bring changes and can work wonders in people’s lives. Before coming to believing in Christ, I always thought Christians are some other species, with different ways of thinking and different attitude. There always seemed to be some kind of barrier between me and them. Somehow their seemingly undiminished enthusiasm, boundless joy and at times annoying behaviors made me think that Christians are overrated.

Now that I am part of ‘them’, it feels strangely exciting, like a little boy that got his birthday present early. As I start to walk with Christ in my life, and as I learn more, I came to realise that the joy is genuine, and now I know why people want to spread the word about Jesus so much to other people.

Lately, something is different with me. I know that prayer works, but never had any idea that God actually listens and gives us more than we asked for. I wanted to change – to be a better man, what God intended me to be. In the past, I tried, yes. Tried to read the Bible and tried to devote more time to prayers. Then the enthusiasm died. It came and went like embers in a haystack under a windy dark sky.

I was afraid to be the seed that fell on stony ground – sprouting roots quickly but dying quickly too. I wanted to be different. So I said to God: “Hey, I wanna be what You want me to be. So please help me change.”

My pastor at the church I go to then told me about the upcoming baptism, which I decided to take part in. Strangely, it just feels right. Today, at the baptism class, I finally had a revelation – it was all coming together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. God did want me to change, and He made that possible by blessing me with an unexplained, sudden ability to concentrate a lot more compared to the past. He gave me the desire to learn, to study. I remembered how hard it was to make myself revise.

A verse in Colossians 3 struck me – it was as if God was telling me what He wanted me to do exactly:

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.