Living in black, yet yearning for white. Cannot complain, really. Since I dislike living in grey.

It is really amazing when one focuses on priorities, the rest becomes less important. I am thankful because I am blessed with this ability ( I think ) to know my priorities and focus on that one thing before turning my attention to other stuff.

It has happened during SPM before, when I totally let go of all other stuff that has been bothering me and just concentrated on studying. I just pray that now I could do it again, and possibly for the next 5 years I will have to call out this innate ability from slumber over and over again.

*sigh*

Not that it is a bad thing, anyway. Nothing feels better than not having so much to think about, to mull over and to emo about. The worst that could happen is me repeatedly telling myself: “not my business, not my business..” or “don’t think too much, don’t think too much..”

Works well so far.

When does the fine line between genuine concern become overprotective instincts?

Why does feelings of overwhelming concern keep haunting me and following me like a plague? Is it so hard, so impossible for a normal person to stop feeling so helpless when he or she knows something, yet cannot do anything out of the fear that what he or she does will not make things better or even alienate the other party whom he or she cares for?

Maybe some will not feel helpless. Some people will go all out to protect the other person – subtly or obviously, eventually the person will at least do something which he or she thinks will make a difference and shield the loved one from perceived harm. Yet, what if people cannot, will not or simple unable to do said things? What if people are terrified of the consequences of not doing something to protect that person, and yet cannot do anything in order not to upset the status quo or the balance of relationships, be it family ties, friendships or even something more?

It is so very difficult to be that sort of friend who can genuinely care and yet not intrude. Then again, where on earth can you find such people? Friends that can love unconditionally and expect nothing in return? It is only human to want something, or at least subconsciously have an idea or vague concept of “friendship” created by society and imposed by peers – to want to feel cared for and to want to care for others.

And how does God then fit into the picture? God obviously wanted Man to have friends – otherwise we would all live lives of loneliness. Or perhaps God wants us, especially Christians, to focus on the greatest friend one could ever ask for – Jesus.

Being human, though, we still need someone to be PHYSICALLY there for us – laughing, crying, sharing the burden and joy. When the roots of friendship and intimacy takes place, and when the relationship turns into something that defies description and require no labels as imposed by society – humans then tend to cling on to the bond that ties them together. Clinging, desperately, fearing for external agents that would threaten or disrupt the perfect little world they are living in.

Thus, when little facts or gossip that is carried by the wind fatefully reaches the ears of said people, they fear; becoming concerned for their loved ones if the news will affect them, brushing it off as sordid if it does not.

Then the question remains still: when does genuine concern become overprotective instincts? Should one then leave it to God, for He knows best? And just watch helplessly, praying, biting their fingernails and shouting inside their hearts?

Or should they inform the concerned parties and warn them, at the expense of sounding like a paranoid or even someone who will be viewed as becoming too clingy and annoying?

Personally, I would just settle for the first option. Because I simply do not know any better.

Times like these are when people would start yelling: “Where is the freaking boundary?!”; especially when so much is at stake, and especially when one views the relationship as something really important to them.

The only choice then is to have faith and trust God, like a child..

Dry is the soul which does not seek the Maker to fill its vase;

I yearn for the Lord, crying out for Him to help me stand straight and keep going on, when my spirit is so tired and every sinew and bone within me is thirsty for the rejuvenating power of God’s grace and love..

These few days have been really tiring for me – physically and emotionally. When there are too many things to think about, it is easy to lose track and lose focus on the most important things.  And so I always ask God to help me prioritise, to focus on the truly important stuff in my life..

It is difficult to let God take control, when you want to be in control of your life.. but I realised some things are really out of my control.. So I surrender willingly, trusting Him, looking forward to His plans for me.. Because without complete surrendering, I would have been driven mad thinking about all the senseless, pointless stuff..

It is really not easy to direct attention at things that command more importance when there are other matters that keep biting at your heart.. when thoughts go astray at times and when emotions drive one to despair and hopelessness – that is when the spirit dries up and the soul is lost, confused, crumbling down like a house of cards.. empty, foolish, vain.

All too often I find myself like a child, confused and lost without direction, losing sight of God to help me go on.

So I pray, and pray, and pray.. and God slowly restores my spirit to go on, fills me up from the fountain of life to spur me on.. Even if I stumble and fall, I shall get up and tread on slowly, one step at a time, because I now have an awesome wonderful Creator in heaven who watches over me.

Oh, how my heart longs for Him and yearns for His love! What will I do, who will I be without my God?

Wonderful, awesome, amazing God..

Pardon the total randomness. Just needed to vent.. from the bottom of a heart that seeks God’s loving warmth..

Sometimes, I just wonder why I cannot go all out and do my best. In the past, I have always wanted to beat people I know I am capable of beating academically. When I cannot be better than them, I still am happy because I know where I stand and I know I did my best.

Now, the feeling of always wanting to be the best is not there anymore – I think it went away during secondary school. When I went to KTT, the feeling of being inferior is so overpowering that not to be the worst person in class is good enough for me. So I scrape by whatever results I get.

Since I came to know God, I know that I should honour Him no matter what results I get. I know that if I get good results, then it is His blessing and not my own work (of course I have to work for it, but hard work does not guarantee good results eh?). The problem is, how much do I want to honour Him through my achievements? Sometimes I look deep down in my heart and ask myself the real reason I want to be the best and beat the rest.

Is it to honour God? I get the feeling that it is not honouring Him if I always want to compete. I do not want to compete now; rather, I just want to give my best. In a sense, I am competing against myself. Whenever I get a less-than-ideal result, I will always get upset with myself because I know I can do better. Then I feel guilty because I could not honour God.

Then came the nagging feeling of the reason I want to be better. Somehow I feel that I am missing the whole point. Someone dear to me once said that in good times or bad, we must praise God. Yet I realise how difficult it is to praise God when I do not get a good grade. Can people REALLY honour God when they are in a bad or difficult situation?

If they can, then I know I have so much to learn, so much more to pray for, and so much more to strive for. In the past, whenever I get bad grades, I always say: God, why can’t I be better? Now, I just say: God, help me do my best.

So from now on, I will settle for whatever grade I get, because at least I know I did my best. Now my only issue is with me not doing my best, not pushing myself hard enough and not really going all out, straining every muscle and ounce of strength and Newton of force in my body, mind and soul to keep going.

Others can do it, why can I not? I always ask God this; to help me go further, one step more, one minute longer, to be my best.

I did not get the bursary or reward for the winter semester. My grades were not high enough to qualify. Money is not the issue – it has always been part of me to want to be able to prove something. Now, I just want to prove that with Christ, nothing is impossible, so I can take pride in Him.

So I want to go all out and do my best, start being someone with a real purpose, direction and integrity and stop settling for whatever I feel is enough. Because enough is never enough, not when God has blessed us with so much abundance that to give our best for Him is like taking a pail of water out of the sea.

Gotta go – need to study for Friday’s test..