Where am I

It has almost been 2 months since the devastating news. All through this time my mum has been a great source of comfort. Her wisdom and comforting encouragement helped me to regain my feet every time I crumble down into a heap of misery.

Where am I now? Am I better? I do not know. Thinking of it still brings a bit of pain every time. It gets less and less. Sometimes a new aspect of the new reality sinks in and again it takes a lot of strength to stop the tears. I have never shed so much tears nor felt pain so physical it petrified me. But as time goes on, the magnitude of pain becomes less, and the frequency with which it stings gets rarer too.

I had a wonderful time talking to my old crush from high school. We became really close friends. Looking back, I wondered how did I get over that episode. It felt really terrible. Distance and time did the work I guess.

Yet, things are different this time. I got more emotionally invested, and the time we knew each other was longer. Sitting in bed last night, I reminisced the time when we barely knew each other. The journey until where we are today was bittersweet, with me longing all the time to have that final reward – her heart. Fraught with disappointments for years, why did I not snap out of it? I do not know. It was foolish to hold on to hope where there was none.

I know this time it is different. I saw where this journey was going and knew it has to end. Perhaps that is why I am dreading it. To end it, to say goodbye to all that means committing all that ever happened to a distant memory, buried deep and waiting for real healing to start. I still cringe with regret, regretting things that I could have done differently, that would perhaps have had a different result.

It means whatever time we have left, I will treasure with the full knowledge that it means nothing and will mean more pain if I hold on to it. It means accepting that the story has been written, and I must put down the pen. It will be a huge effort and takes monumental strength that only God can give to not care emotionally. It will take a long time, and it feels like healing has just only started.

I do wonder, where will we be in 3 years’ time. Will I still cringe with regret and sadness then? Or will I have moved on? Will we be close friends, ever supportive of each other, but separated by distance and slowly drifting apart? Will I wish for her happiness when I get a wedding invitation someday (the thought of which still stings me today)? Only God knows.

Writing down everything is perhaps my only way of accepting things and moving on. For only through writing can I really express my hopes and disappointments in ways I could not with other people – though not for lack of want. All I could do now, is fix my eyes on Jesus, and seek solace that none can give except Him.

..and healing

Pain.. and healing. They come together, don’t they?

I am not pretending that everything is fine. Life sometimes just isn’t. And sometimes there can be people who appear in your life, on whom you briefly admired and poured affection on, just to fill that empty void, though knowing full well it’s just a rebound effect and doesn’t mean anything. Is it part of the healing? Perhaps. I wouldn’t know. I only remember the words which still rang in my ears.

It’s true, you’re not really over something until it doesn’t affect you at all. I find that it still does, even as the feeling gets less and less as time goes by. Still the mere thought sometimes touches a raw nerve, but it doesn’t evoke raw pain anymore. More like a tingling sensation of a distant gnawing feeling which I can’t quite describe. Disappointment? Anger? Betrayal? Perhaps. Or it could be something more. An innate sense of longing for something or someone to fill the void.

Sometimes I still do get a feeling of senseless hopelessness. Senseless because it doesn’t make sense to make my world revolve around a person. Hopeless because that gravity around which I revolved around was taken so suddenly from me. On some days this senseless hopelessness bites at the corner of my heart. What do I do now? What am I supposed to feel now?

Do I continue and drift and find another object of gravity to revolve around? Or do I chart my own path and grow to be a shining star instead? I have chosen the second option. To try and be content in singleness, faithful and hoping upon my Lord. To fill that void with something greater.

And I began by mentally burning all those delusional scenarios of what-could-have-been. The greater hurdle is to prepare myself for the possibility of even greater pain when that truth, that piece of fact solidifies and becomes known. In fact I suspect it’s already known in some circles. How do I react? It’s a question that has been playing over and over in my head. And how do I react when their relationship intensifies? It is still slightly painful to think.

I think partly it was my own folly to elevate a person such as I did. How could you not, if other people’s opinions agree with what you think. It only serves to justify the beginning of a  journey spiraling down. And at the end of the journey, that delusion is shattered. It’s easier to blame the person for not being who you thought he/she should be. But the right thing to do would be to acknowledge that no one is perfect. And so perhaps I was/am in love with a delusional figure, on whom such affection was poured upon and from whom the sense of betrayal came from. A figure that originated in a flawed person, a figure whom I was too blind to perceive and sense clearly to be a deeper and innate sense of longing for a utopian construct. Yet I do genuinely feel the person came close to being that.

On some days, I question myself on what made me feel the way I did. Then it hit me that I was drawn to the kind of selfless love the person had. It was a beautiful thing to behold, and I realised, shouldn’t I be drawn towards God’s love even more? Perhaps that void could only be filled with His unending love, His mercy and kindness, of which only an image was shown here on earth in that person. Perhaps that was why it was such a pain to have lost it and think it could never be mine. Such folly, such foolishness.

And the first step towards healing was acknowledging this.

I suspect it’ll take more time than expected to be fully healed. But I’m getting there.

Pain..

Pain. A word that describes a feeling that can neither be dulled nor sharpened. It is, to some people, an experience of life.

For me, pain had always been a big part of my life. And I suspect it will continue to be. I think God uses pain to mold me into the person He intended me to be.

Pain of rejection, of unrequited love, had always been that big, ugly wound in my soul. It had at times festered and harboured illnesses and sin that brought guilt and regret. Even now, pain never really left me.

I had by now, embraced it like an old friend. It brought much tears, and yet it led me down the path of much wisdom and understanding.

Pain, that constricting, suffocating tendril.

Pain, that stabbing knife that cuts dreams apart.

But God takes away the hurt, in His time. I trust He will, for this time too. And when that time comes, I hope I will be able to read this, and smile again.

Wondering how is everybody doing

It is Christmas break now. We have more than a week of free time. For medical students, that means the world to them – more free time to study. Pathetic aiy? Well, after 3 years, I got used to it. Heck, not studying would make me feel guilty and have panic attacks. So better study rather than chilling out.

Yet here I am, chilling. I simply can’t cram anymore stuff into my head. Plus I’m down with flu and fever. Feeling really awful, even breathing is laborious and hard.

I was just browsing through Facebook, looking at people’s profiles when suddenly I find myself looking at old pictures. Made me reminisce about the good old times. Then it got me wondering, how is everybody doing back home. I rarely keep in touch with anyone from my secondary school, except a few really close people.

Kept thinking how things change, how the inevitable will always come no matter what you do to delay it. I doubt those times will ever come back. People move on, get new friends, fit into new environment until eventually they settle down with their own families (whoa, that’s so not gonna happen anytime soon.) Still, it made me think, do people still remember me anyway? The thought made me laugh. I didn’t do anything that warrants such attention. Wasn’t the popular guy in school (in fact I was quite the opposite, I think). Oh well.

People change. Time changes everything. When I think about it, I’m kinda afraid of what the future brings. New environment, new responsibilities, new friends. Slog the hours away in the hospital. I’m sure in another 5 years, I’ll be in front of my laptop, typing a new post about the same feelings that I have right now.

Yet it’s comforting to know that God will always be there, and my family as well. That’s 2 things that’s worth holding on to.

Ah, gotta get back to studies.. exams exams…

Waking nightmare

Coming back after so long to this place to jot down my thoughts, on a cold Tuesday morning. I had just woken up from a deep slumber. Feel tired though. Then a close friend told me about something, so I went and checked it out. Feels like opening Pandora’s box in my heart and all the previous feelings or thoughts that I had meticulously locked away got opened up and tossed on the floor.

To sum it up, it feels like waking up from a weird dream to a waking nightmare. Well I make it sound so terrible, when in actual fact, I’m pretty sure it isn’t. Yet people say, the mind does not agree with the heart sometimes. I know that things are different, that I should be doing what I’m supposed to do, but somehow I’m giving other people the impression that I’m still stuck and holding out hope.

Then again, how do people define hope? Perhaps, for others, it seems like holding out hope simply means hoping for some kind of reciprocation. This gets really dangerous, especially if the line was drawn and yet blurred again, partly because the other party felt that things have changed and it is safe to do so. Have things changed? Definitely. Yet, is it safe to assume that things will be better, rainbows will start popping up and unicorns will prance around in your dreamland?

No. Coz’ it takes a lot of hard work to get to where I am, and it will take a lot more hard work to get to where I hope I can be.

I know fully well that the line between “pathetic” and “virtuous” is awfully thin. So for a majority of people, I would be seen as a pathetic guy. Then again, nobody really knows how I feel because nobody has ever gotten into my head before, for the simple reason that I don’t let anyone in. So nobody should ever have the tenacity to judge me or judge my actions.

Why? For the simple reason that I myself have no idea what I’m doing, or what should I do. I only have a simple desire that people understand why I do what I do.

Often times I see guys in movies being such a romantic and holding out for the girl they love, and girls in real life would swoon and complain how unfaithful guys nowadays are. In real life, guys who are romantic and loyal gets pushed away, and girls go run after the jerks. I’ve seen it way too many times that subconsciously I get deeply annoyed when I hear anyone implying that guys aren’t loyal. Okay so perhaps there are a few assholes out there. That doesn’t mean we get to be lumped together in the same basket.

So back to my point. Perhaps I’m just trying to prove something, but what it is, I don’t know. Or being unable to let go, or rather, letting go at a rate that is way too slow for normal people, is my curse. Either that, I have already let go and I myself don’t want to accept the true simple fact.

No, I’m not being emotional or sad. Just being reminiscent and viewing the whole thing objectively, in this tiny window of time when I know I can be objective. Perhaps my heart has trouble letting go because it feels that doing so also means letting go of all the memories that I cherish so much. Coz’ it sure damn feels that way. If something didn’t come to fruition at the end, isn’t everything along the way mere fragments of what should have been? And that’s just pathetic, in my opinion. Fragments that decay and become useless, covered in dust only to be rediscovered a few years later, buried deep and causing pain without actually having an end.

So let me tell you a story. Back in secondary school, I had this huge crush on a girl that refused to reciprocate the feeling, for the simple reason that, well, I was a jerk (see the irony of the good guy-bad guy conundrum now?). I was deeply hurt, and when we finished secondary school, my pride refuses to let me talk to her. Do what she wants, I’d say. Go away and be merry with your own life, and me with mine, I’d whine. Then for 2 years, filled with wisdom and growth, I finally gained the sense enough to know that I was really stupid for doing all that. So we got back in touch, and what happened after was really beautiful. A true friendship that transcends traditional boundaries blossomed, and it was filled with trust, honesty and intimacy.

What I’m trying to say is, for some people, the resolution is simply to move on. Yet for me, I just wish to say to my heart, hey, let’s see what’s at the end. I know I cannot compare what I had in secondary school with what I’m having now. People pick up experience from life’s crap and grow. At least that’s how I see it. So why, then, should a bad experience just mean that the particular chapter in my life has to be closed there and then?

What would the point be if one were to just stop and leave everything behind? I feel like that period of life would be wasted, without any kind of fruit of wisdom or rich experience. Isn’t that more pathetic?

My worldview is different, and because of that, how I respond to pain and disappointment is also different. Yes, I’m a hopeless romantic, and yes, I’m unbelievably faithful if I choose to, but that doesn’t mean I am pathetic. Okay maybe I am, but from my point of view, I’m just doing what I feel is right – and if that means to waddle, neck-high in crap, through another long period filled with pain, then screw common sense, I’m waddling.

Neck held high, like a boss.

Solitude of despair

Would anyone understand? Then again, would holding out the hope that someone understands, be futile? Perhaps it is, or perhaps the will is too spent, too tired to take note, just to keep going everyday.

It feels so terribly familiar, yet so different. Treading on strange new realms of illusions and broken shards of what was once so filled with hopes of what the future might bring. As one who looks to the familiar abyss of darkness, it takes every ounce of will to not just lightly step into it.

As the strength wanes, so too does every will to decide. Like a lifeless rag doll, torn in the four winds blowing ever fiercely from the tempestuous storm raging inside that was never thought to be seen again.

Oh, how the soul longs for a refreshing counsel from the glorious light. Yet all that arrived was naught but sly irony. Answers that betrayed, answers that brought only despair.

Alas, only time will bring tidings, be it glad or ill.

I survived 2nd year!

Finally, second year of medicine is over.. Seriously thank God for helping me through it all. Really grateful for support from friends and family. Looking back, I realised I should have tried harder, especially for the exams. They were not bad, but I could have done better to glorify God.. *sigh* oh well, but still, praise the Lord indeed! It is so amazing, especially how I thought I would fail for the Biochemistry exam but still passed..

I am still stuck in Prague, unable to go home. Not that I am complaining or anything, I guess the homesick feeling has already dissipated long ago. Have to do summer clerkship for 4 days next week, so I am free this whole week. Wondering what to do..

Anyway, went to Zizkov in Pisek region in Southern Bohemia the other day. It was a really beautiful place. Awesome time and fellowship with close friends.

Skiing!!

Last week had been such a fun week. I signed up for the winter skiing course and went to Poc ped Snezkou with some friends, along with a whole busload of Czech students. The place is 3 hours from Prague by bus, and the town is cradled on all sides by the mountain ranges bordering Poland called Krokonose or Giant Mountains. They’re no Alps, but the feeling is definitely there. Think white mountain slopes and evergreen fir trees. Yeap.

We rented the ski equipment, which consisted of a pair of boots, skis and sticks. I tried on the skis for the first time in my life. I had no idea the ski boots are so freakin’ heavy. First day of learning was kinda awful, as we kept slipping and falling. The feeling is hard to describe – it feels like slipping on ice and you will panic when you are moving and you cannot stop it. I fell down countless times, and almost gave up and thought that I am just not cut out for skiing – luckily I just held on and pushed forwards. The teacher was really nice and patient with us as well.

The next day was a bit better as we learned to control speed and how to stop. We also learned how to change direction and turn. So after we have mastered the basic navigational skills, it was time to go to the beginner’s slope. In retrospect, that place was really easy. It was really fun to go down the slope with the rushing icy wind in your face. We even tried some crazy stuff like skiing down in pairs while holding hands, synchronizing in groups, and the ‘caterpillar’ thing (which I did not try because it looks funny).

We  also went to another slope which was slightly longer and steeper. It was an adrenaline-filled experience, trying not to fall and maintain balance while speeding downhill. Really unforgettable experience. On the last day, some of the people went with the advanced Czech students to the ‘proper’ slopes – the main slopes which are graded according to their level of steepness and difficulty. I did not go because I forgot to bring my insurance card and I did not want to risk it. The slopes looked really steep and dangerous for us beginners. Yet, from the accounts of my friends who went there and “survived”, they said the experience was amazing. Now I kinda regret for not joining them. Maybe next time I will attempt the REAL slopes and show off to people that I can ski.

In short, it was a really worthwhile experience. Maybe next year I will go again, if I have the time.

Ta-daa! New theme installed

I was very free today, so figured that I should change my blog theme (again). Anyway, theme is the term WordPress uses, it is the same as what they call “template” or “layout” in other vastly overrated and limited blog platforms.

I figured I should build up my blog profile and increase its PR. Adding my blog to directories and building backlinks like crazy. I know this will probably make a lot of people go ‘Huh?” lol I doubt many people understand SEO lingo anyway, unless they are actively involved in blogging as a side-income. Hopefully my effort pays off in terms of PR increase and potential revenue. More on that later, if I succeed. I might even write a simple PDF guide and give it out for free to anyone who wants to dabble in this.

Went out to settle some insurance stuff today – but alas, VZP’s computer system is down. At first I thought we needed a separate sports insurance to cover our injuries (God willing there will not be any) during the skiing course. Then we went to the bank and asked whether they provide the insurance. Thank God the officer told me we do not have to buy another coverage since our current one is enough.

Well.. that’s about it for today. Just another uneventful day I guess.

February Update

Phew it has been such a long time since I last updated my blog! Nothing much to say anyway. Life is still the same. CNY came and went, we had a somewhat celebratory CNY’s eve dinner here in Prague. I kinda missed home and friends though. Wished I could be there too.

I passed my Genetics final exam, thank God. I had 3 weeks of holiday and rest, but time passed just like that. Two weeks have gone by. Next week I am going to the mountains for a beginner’s skiing course. Looking forward to it. I bought the jacket, ski pants, goggles and gloves. Gonna rent the ski equipment there. Kinda excited. Hope I will come back to Prague unscathed though. *fingers crossed*

Winter semester ended just like that. Wonder how is summer semester gonna treat us.

I keep telling myself, “See, winter semester has already ended, summer semester will end as fast as it comes too, fret not, you’ll be home soon.”

Home. It is one of the words in my heart that keeps me going, day by day.