Why is it that when God created Man, He bestowed on him the emotion of desire? The feeling of longing sometimes overpower Man and at some point, people have been driven to commit terrible things to satisfy the burning feeling in their hearts.

What good will desire do to us? It only makes people unable to focus at the most important thing, and fail to prioritize. It makes Man fail to see the bigger picture. Greed stems from it, and with it, the corruption of the soul and mind.

The only good thing that I can think of about desire is its ability to drive people to heights they have never thought they could achieve. Excellent academic results from the sheer determination of a student to pursue a coveted scholarship, for example. The desire to bring justice drives others to battle for the undefended in courtrooms through lawful interventions. The desire to bring peace sends ordinary people to the frontier of battlefield, risking limbs and lives to fight terror, injustice and evil.

The desire of Man to know more about the universe led to astounding advancements in physics and astronomy. Were our forefathers to know what we have achieved today, they would have thought we were gods.

When desire rears its ugly head, inevitably all sorts of evil comes with it. Greed and corruption. Hatred. Anger. The desire for power, position and money led people to destruction.

In my case, desire works differently. It drove me to work hard to get what I have always wanted – this scholarship. It drove me to keep going on even when I feel weak. The desire to return home keeps burning me to strive for excellence. I want to return home as someone who could serve and contribute.

Right now, though, desire torments me, as I long for something that I know could not possibly happen, not for the near future anyway.It has gotten worse lately – to the point of making me unable to be in the present, making my mind drift.

So as I sit here typing, still longing, still wanting, I wondered why God ever created this feeling. It sucks.

I fear that it will continue to grow unchecked, making me fail to prioritize. I do not want it to destroy what I have right now, which was what happened last time, the pieces of which I had to pick up after the mess. It was ugly.

*sigh* if only I could direct that desire to something productive. Yet I know I cannot, knowing who I am, knowing what I am. I fear for the inevitable. It takes a lot of effort to keep myself from doing something stupid, to keep pretending and to keep acting. I know a part of me wants it so badly, and another part of me fears for the worst.

Unfortunately, it is a well-known fact that that desire always has the upper hand.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.