No, I am not William Wallace crying out his last word while getting tortured in Braveheart, though I am very much tempted to say that my predicament was almost similar.

Now that I think of it, it was not so bad. I could get used to this kind of life. I passed Cell Biology (amazingly) and now I have 3 weeks of free time. Nothing much to do sitting at home, yet nothing to do outside either. I could go and explore Prague, but somehow the idea does not seem inviting considering I have to do it alone.

So here I am, whiling away my life. I found something worthwhile to do though. Spending hours typing articles out of thin air for $3 a piece is not too bad. I am at my laptop almost the whole day anyway.

I am growing sideways I think. Not good.

I miss Malaysian food terribly.

I love it to bits! Sleek, glossy, sexy guitar. She would be Lexy’s sister. I shall call her.. hmm never mind. Cannot think of a name now.

Cost me 2300 Kc, including the bag. Almost as expensive as my classical one back home. O.o and it was on promotion.

No more boring moments for me, I guess. I shall have to master it in 6 years. I set an aim to at least be able to play SOMETHING within 1 year.

Let’s hope I can make it. 8D whee..

Moving on.

Biophysics in exactly 2 weeks. 132 pages of really complicated stuff to read. I have never really started reading until yesterday. Physics is not my kind of subject anyway. >.>

Anatomy test in 3 days. Never read a single thing yet.

Czech credit test in 2 weeks.

Oh, and Cell Biology too.

Well at least I got credit for Latin and Histology already. Thank God for that.

Hmmm..

Gotta go read something, better not waste time now..

Writing is something that lets me release all that pent up energy that I could not express by yelling or shouting. Explains why I like to spend my time at sites like Xomba or Hubpages. They let me write to my heart’s content and yet remain anonymous.

Today, I managed to pass my Latin. Call it luck or brains, but still I give thanks to Him who provides. Really amazing grace and blessing! It is an amazing feeling, knowing that you did your best but you leave it to someone greater than you and you have full confidence He will provide. And He did.

I have anatomy test again this week, and biophysics in 2 weeks. 1 semester’s worth of reading material and I have not touched it one bit. Plus most of the stuff are Greek to me. I do not understand 60% of it. No, make that 88%.

Whatever. I will just do my best.

Two of my friends’ birthdays coming up. Celebrations and cooking frenzy will be the order of the day again, I guess. I wonder since when it has become a tradition.

I booked a ticket for an orchestra on 10th January. 785 Kc to hear classical music. Hope it turns out alright. Or I might just quote Lenka and say “I want my money back.”

Lenka the singer, mind you. Not Lenka the tutor.

And life drones on.

As I walked the dusty abandoned streets of the realm I once lived in, I stumbled across what seemed to be an old library. Peering inside, I saw rows upon rows of shelves carrying old parchments sat silently, awaiting their ends.

Treading silently, I opened the creaky big old wooden door and stood in front one of the shelves. Sunshine poured in from the window on high, illuminating a once magnificent and possibly glorious library. Now a shadow of its former self. Pity.

I carefully picked up one of the scrolls. .

*******

Feelings that feel almost lyrical in nature, as memories stir themselves up from the deep slumber in the catacombs of my endless void. As I sit listening to The Fray and typing away, I cannot help but feel nostalgic. Suddenly there is this gush of sheer sadness, borne out of nothing and without reason. I cannot find the answer to it.

Why such reckless sadness? Perhaps I should not listen to such music so often.

Speaking of which, these few days I’ve been busy bringing three of my friends from KTT for a short trip around Kuching. We arrived here at around 6 p.m. Then we went to walk around the Golden Triangle area near Riverfront. Yesterday morning we went to the cultural village near Damai beach. It was quite worth it, entrance fee being RM15 and all. We went to Jalan Song at night. This morning was spent visiting the Sarawak Museum and the handicraft shops fronting the river (forgot what’s the road’s name). Then, sent them off at airport. All was well. I think our friendship was strengthened somewhat, feeling that I know them better now.. It was a good experience. Priceless memories too..

I guess I just suddenly realised how fragile friendship is. Though one might nurture it like a young sapling and it might have endured countless storms, chances are that one day, out of neglect, the young tree shall wither. Then imagine the agony that would arise – its magnitude would be beyond words. Then there’s the inevitable situation where friendships become mere passing acknowledgement of each others’ existence, just because of distance. On the other hand, there is also the inevitable withering of many friendships when my A level course finishes. Hard and ugly truth is, we will not be sent to the same university. God knows what would happen then. Start life anew? Life goes on? That would pretty much be what I would say were not for my coming of age into a whole new future.

I have learnt that friendships aren’t something you take for granted and can just ignore. Over the past 5 months I have learned that some things in life may appear less than their worth. So one moment you might be laughing along with them, sharing their joys and all, then suddenly the next moment you are all alone, thinking: what happens when we part? When we pour out the effort to nurture something from scratch, a part of us hopes it would grow into something meaningful and could be part of our lives. Yet when the circumstances do not allow it, it could be reduced to ashes.

Call me emotional and too romantic (not the lovey dovey sense) for my own good, but seriously, if one is human enough, such questions inevitably arise. Gone are the days when I would think that I can survive on my own, that life goes on. I would pull a mask of defiance over my real face, and over the years I have perfected the art of not caring and in the process became immune to such petty issues. Living in KTT changed the way I perceive life. There’s more to life than withdrawing into your own coccoon and not caring. For all of us are humans. In the end we tend to stick together to others, we tend to share joy and pain and we tend to huddle together in the dark. We tend to look for some sign of reassurance when we are confused while treading on the path towards the unknown. Knowing full well that studying medicine would pretty much rip apart our social lives in the future, we look at each other and ask: ” Is this worth it? Why are we even here?”

Even though the answer eludes most of us, we know that we are not alone in thinking about that. That is how my deeper understanding of life came about – from the most basic of human interaction that fills our daily lives, our understanding of friendship gradually shapes itself into something substantial that can be grasped.

Friends are those who are equally confused as you are as you walk along the path of life. Friends are the people, whom you know for only months, celebrate your birthday with grandeur and go to the extent of springing a trap, preparing and pouring smelly gooey stuff on you just to celebrate your coming of age, of finally becoming 18. Friends are people who walk alongside you, who, in their togetherness of one ultimate aim, become comrade-in-arms with you. Inevitably they would part to carry on their own seperate paths.

As I waved goodbye to my friends when I sent them off at the airport, I suddenly felt heavy blows of anguish, pain beyond words. Be it imagination (I really hope it is) or some premonition of things yet to come, I realised that would be how it would feel like when the day arrives.

That is exactly why such sadness evolved from the mere thought of parting, because, in essence, I am a human again. And being human subjects me to sorrow.

****

It felt vaguely familiar. I decided to take it home with me.

Maybe someday, I will visit this place again, and try to salvage what I can. There are treasures in here, essays of great sentimental value that captured the souls of the authors.

I walked silently out of the building, onto the street and slowly into the dusk, leaving this once glorious city behind. Abandoned, dusty, crumbling wraith that still stood, hopelessly clinging to what tiny shards of dignity it still had.

I feel like going back to that stage in my life where everything feels better if it is painted in a shade of dark emo-ness, with everything in sight having a dark gloomy cloud hanging over it and images of people dressed in Gothic style appear out of the corner of my sanity.

It was a comforting world, one where I could scream inside my heart and no one cares.

It was the only place I could go if I feel upset.

And now I feel like opening the locks of the gateway to that world again. Feel like stepping into it and immerse my mind inside that cocoon of despair and darkness and daily living becomes a brooding, repetitive routine.

Why? Just because I feel like it. Feel like screaming.

Have you ever felt isolated from people around you, even though you are surrounded by people? Friends, especially? People who you think are close, reliable yet they do not seem to care enough? Or maybe the world is just like that – people do not care enough the way you want them to. Or maybe I am just an emo half-grown young adult stuck with an immature mind. Yet people label me as the ‘mature, serious, reliable, business-minded, no-bullshit guy.’ A guy with no emotions, no needs, no desires. And to that I say a big loud “Sod off.”

Hell, I am not invisible. Stop ignoring me. I look the way I do, not because I want to. I cannot smile at nothing, for no apparent reason. I look serious because I am BORN that way. So please, do not think I am a serious guy. Ask my buddies back at Kuching, they will know I am one crazy retarded fun guy who will not hesitate to parachute off a building. Sometimes I make jokes, but I say them with a straight face. Then people tend to misunderstand me. You either get it or you do not. Sadly people do not get me, sometimes.

Or maybe it is just that first impression. I had to say, first impression counts. Yeap they do. People look at you and think “Whoa one seriously serious no BS guy” and you are stuck with that image for as long as they know you.

I hate being the serious no BS guy. I like to make people laugh. So it hurts to see people not laughing, not because my jokes are not funny, but because apparently, I tend to melt into the background.

Like a background noise that is not part of their world, a negligible existence.

So please.

It hurts.

And I am going to stop caring about it anymore, I think. Going off to that dark emo world soon. And then thou shalt all hate me for being the “dark, broody Ian who does not smile at all and always has a dark cloud hanging over him.” But it is just a maybe. Just a 12% chance. Why? Because I care too much about my friends, and I will not let them go through that kind of hell I brought upon my friends back in Form 5.

Nuh-uh.

So yeah, hence, the reason for my wanting to scream out loud.

So yeah. I care, a lot. I do things for people, a lot. I hurt, a lot too. And I complain, a lot as well. Just a way to vent my frustration. Otherwise I will explode and little evil snarling creatures will burst forth and devour my enemies’ half-eaten vegetables in the fridge.

Rawr.

Forgive me for not posting something of more importance, say, pictures of my time in Prague. Simple reason – laziness. I have exam this Friday, I have to prepare presentation on bone ossification and bone age and of course I am lagging behind the lectures. Simply not reading fast enough. And you will not even believe at what kind of speed my female classmates read/revise. Their diligence and hardworking attitude is enough to make people commit suicide. Cannot even compare with them, otherwise I will die from brain haemorrhage and my guts will spill out. What an embarrassing death.

Stress + emo + frust + cold friggin weather + laziness + guilt from laziness + procrastination = scream

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Yay.