Sometimes, I just wonder why I cannot go all out and do my best. In the past, I have always wanted to beat people I know I am capable of beating academically. When I cannot be better than them, I still am happy because I know where I stand and I know I did my best.

Now, the feeling of always wanting to be the best is not there anymore – I think it went away during secondary school. When I went to KTT, the feeling of being inferior is so overpowering that not to be the worst person in class is good enough for me. So I scrape by whatever results I get.

Since I came to know God, I know that I should honour Him no matter what results I get. I know that if I get good results, then it is His blessing and not my own work (of course I have to work for it, but hard work does not guarantee good results eh?). The problem is, how much do I want to honour Him through my achievements? Sometimes I look deep down in my heart and ask myself the real reason I want to be the best and beat the rest.

Is it to honour God? I get the feeling that it is not honouring Him if I always want to compete. I do not want to compete now; rather, I just want to give my best. In a sense, I am competing against myself. Whenever I get a less-than-ideal result, I will always get upset with myself because I know I can do better. Then I feel guilty because I could not honour God.

Then came the nagging feeling of the reason I want to be better. Somehow I feel that I am missing the whole point. Someone dear to me once said that in good times or bad, we must praise God. Yet I realise how difficult it is to praise God when I do not get a good grade. Can people REALLY honour God when they are in a bad or difficult situation?

If they can, then I know I have so much to learn, so much more to pray for, and so much more to strive for. In the past, whenever I get bad grades, I always say: God, why can’t I be better? Now, I just say: God, help me do my best.

So from now on, I will settle for whatever grade I get, because at least I know I did my best. Now my only issue is with me not doing my best, not pushing myself hard enough and not really going all out, straining every muscle and ounce of strength and Newton of force in my body, mind and soul to keep going.

Others can do it, why can I not? I always ask God this; to help me go further, one step more, one minute longer, to be my best.

I did not get the bursary or reward for the winter semester. My grades were not high enough to qualify. Money is not the issue – it has always been part of me to want to be able to prove something. Now, I just want to prove that with Christ, nothing is impossible, so I can take pride in Him.

So I want to go all out and do my best, start being someone with a real purpose, direction and integrity and stop settling for whatever I feel is enough. Because enough is never enough, not when God has blessed us with so much abundance that to give our best for Him is like taking a pail of water out of the sea.

Gotta go – need to study for Friday’s test..