Pain.. and healing. They come together, don’t they?
I am not pretending that everything is fine. Life sometimes just isn’t. And sometimes there can be people who appear in your life, on whom you briefly admired and poured affection on, just to fill that empty void, though knowing full well it’s just a rebound effect and doesn’t mean anything. Is it part of the healing? Perhaps. I wouldn’t know. I only remember the words which still rang in my ears.
It’s true, you’re not really over something until it doesn’t affect you at all. I find that it still does, even as the feeling gets less and less as time goes by. Still the mere thought sometimes touches a raw nerve, but it doesn’t evoke raw pain anymore. More like a tingling sensation of a distant gnawing feeling which I can’t quite describe. Disappointment? Anger? Betrayal? Perhaps. Or it could be something more. An innate sense of longing for something or someone to fill the void.
Sometimes I still do get a feeling of senseless hopelessness. Senseless because it doesn’t make sense to make my world revolve around a person. Hopeless because that gravity around which I revolved around was taken so suddenly from me. On some days this senseless hopelessness bites at the corner of my heart. What do I do now? What am I supposed to feel now?
Do I continue and drift and find another object of gravity to revolve around? Or do I chart my own path and grow to be a shining star instead? I have chosen the second option. To try and be content in singleness, faithful and hoping upon my Lord. To fill that void with something greater.
And I began by mentally burning all those delusional scenarios of what-could-have-been. The greater hurdle is to prepare myself for the possibility of even greater pain when that truth, that piece of fact solidifies and becomes known. In fact I suspect it’s already known in some circles. How do I react? It’s a question that has been playing over and over in my head. And how do I react when their relationship intensifies? It is still slightly painful to think.
I think partly it was my own folly to elevate a person such as I did. How could you not, if other people’s opinions agree with what you think. It only serves to justify the beginning of a journey spiraling down. And at the end of the journey, that delusion is shattered. It’s easier to blame the person for not being who you thought he/she should be. But the right thing to do would be to acknowledge that no one is perfect. And so perhaps I was/am in love with a delusional figure, on whom such affection was poured upon and from whom the sense of betrayal came from. A figure that originated in a flawed person, a figure whom I was too blind to perceive and sense clearly to be a deeper and innate sense of longing for a utopian construct. Yet I do genuinely feel the person came close to being that.
On some days, I question myself on what made me feel the way I did. Then it hit me that I was drawn to the kind of selfless love the person had. It was a beautiful thing to behold, and I realised, shouldn’t I be drawn towards God’s love even more? Perhaps that void could only be filled with His unending love, His mercy and kindness, of which only an image was shown here on earth in that person. Perhaps that was why it was such a pain to have lost it and think it could never be mine. Such folly, such foolishness.
And the first step towards healing was acknowledging this.
I suspect it’ll take more time than expected to be fully healed. But I’m getting there.