We are having dissection course for the summer semester. It has been 3 days since it started, and there is only 1 word to describe it: exhausting. Maybe it is only me, but I feel that the dissection this time is much less interesting compared to the one last time. Maybe I like muscles more. Dunno. Somehow internal organs are just.. well, boring. Or maybe because this time there are fewer demonstrators to teach us. The dissection rooms are packed like a macabre cadaver market during the winter dissection course. Now it seems less cheerful..

I hope I get Sedmera again for the exam on 31st. Seriously, he is the best lecturer and the one I like the most so far – with his impeccable English and humorous antics.

I really should be revising the internal organs and head right now. Laziness wins as always. Oh speaking of which, I found out that medical students can come up with really horny and dirty mnemonics to remember things, for example:

Oh oh oh, to touch and feel, virgin girls’ vagina and hymen..

Okay now all those are for remembering cranial nerves instead of -

Olfactory, ophthalmic, occulomotor, trochlea, trigeminal… You get what I mean.

There is even a whole website dedicated to medical mnemonics lol. Some of them are really dirty like

Some anatomists like f*cking, others prefer S&M (this is for branches of external carotid artery)

The amazing thing is that I think these mnemonics are kinda universal. I vaguely remember my brother telling me the one about cranial nerves but I just brushed it off because never in my life before this would I even think that I could be memorising them in the future. And here I am, memorising courses of arteries, nerves, muscles, plexus yada yada.

I learned a lot though. Never thought that human body is so, well, compact. There is no free space in the body! As time goes on, myths about human body are busted – like when people like to think that the heart is somewhat on the left, but truth is it is actually quite centred in the midline.

And I never knew that lungs could be so spongy – I used to think that they are thin fragile balloons o.O

Oh do not even get me started on the head. The most complex part of the body – period. No wonder human are such complicated, idiotic creatures – we have too many stuff jumbled up in a tiny cavity thingamajig with all sorts of blood vessels and nerves coming in and out of that horrifying labyrinthine thingie. Gah.

Ah well, have to learn them anyway.

Really tired now, so I am going to take a nap before going back to all those organs again. Ish.

It really is amazing how the Almighty God can bring changes and can work wonders in people’s lives. Before coming to believing in Christ, I always thought Christians are some other species, with different ways of thinking and different attitude. There always seemed to be some kind of barrier between me and them. Somehow their seemingly undiminished enthusiasm, boundless joy and at times annoying behaviors made me think that Christians are overrated.

Now that I am part of ‘them’, it feels strangely exciting, like a little boy that got his birthday present early. As I start to walk with Christ in my life, and as I learn more, I came to realise that the joy is genuine, and now I know why people want to spread the word about Jesus so much to other people.

Lately, something is different with me. I know that prayer works, but never had any idea that God actually listens and gives us more than we asked for. I wanted to change – to be a better man, what God intended me to be. In the past, I tried, yes. Tried to read the Bible and tried to devote more time to prayers. Then the enthusiasm died. It came and went like embers in a haystack under a windy dark sky.

I was afraid to be the seed that fell on stony ground – sprouting roots quickly but dying quickly too. I wanted to be different. So I said to God: “Hey, I wanna be what You want me to be. So please help me change.”

My pastor at the church I go to then told me about the upcoming baptism, which I decided to take part in. Strangely, it just feels right. Today, at the baptism class, I finally had a revelation – it was all coming together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. God did want me to change, and He made that possible by blessing me with an unexplained, sudden ability to concentrate a lot more compared to the past. He gave me the desire to learn, to study. I remembered how hard it was to make myself revise.

A verse in Colossians 3 struck me – it was as if God was telling me what He wanted me to do exactly:

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Why is it that when God created Man, He bestowed on him the emotion of desire? The feeling of longing sometimes overpower Man and at some point, people have been driven to commit terrible things to satisfy the burning feeling in their hearts.

What good will desire do to us? It only makes people unable to focus at the most important thing, and fail to prioritize. It makes Man fail to see the bigger picture. Greed stems from it, and with it, the corruption of the soul and mind.

The only good thing that I can think of about desire is its ability to drive people to heights they have never thought they could achieve. Excellent academic results from the sheer determination of a student to pursue a coveted scholarship, for example. The desire to bring justice drives others to battle for the undefended in courtrooms through lawful interventions. The desire to bring peace sends ordinary people to the frontier of battlefield, risking limbs and lives to fight terror, injustice and evil.

The desire of Man to know more about the universe led to astounding advancements in physics and astronomy. Were our forefathers to know what we have achieved today, they would have thought we were gods.

When desire rears its ugly head, inevitably all sorts of evil comes with it. Greed and corruption. Hatred. Anger. The desire for power, position and money led people to destruction.

In my case, desire works differently. It drove me to work hard to get what I have always wanted – this scholarship. It drove me to keep going on even when I feel weak. The desire to return home keeps burning me to strive for excellence. I want to return home as someone who could serve and contribute.

Right now, though, desire torments me, as I long for something that I know could not possibly happen, not for the near future anyway.It has gotten worse lately – to the point of making me unable to be in the present, making my mind drift.

So as I sit here typing, still longing, still wanting, I wondered why God ever created this feeling. It sucks.

I fear that it will continue to grow unchecked, making me fail to prioritize. I do not want it to destroy what I have right now, which was what happened last time, the pieces of which I had to pick up after the mess. It was ugly.

*sigh* if only I could direct that desire to something productive. Yet I know I cannot, knowing who I am, knowing what I am. I fear for the inevitable. It takes a lot of effort to keep myself from doing something stupid, to keep pretending and to keep acting. I know a part of me wants it so badly, and another part of me fears for the worst.

Unfortunately, it is a well-known fact that that desire always has the upper hand.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

The feeling of being conscious of everything around you leaves a very confusing state of mind. It feels as if drugs are coursing through my bloodstream and everything seems to be clearer.

Sometimes I wonder whether this is a blessing. I realized that since coming to Prague, I am able to remember a lot more things, things I could not imagine I could commit to memory. Sometimes things I see are seared into my mind, so I could not forget them. This state of consciousness takes its toll on me, though. Headaches, nausea and fatigue. I can concentrate and remember a lot of things in a short period of time, at the price of taking my brain to hell and back. At the end of it I can feel nothing except the intense pain and throbbing in my head.

And after sleeping it out, I could retrieve the memory especially if under pressure, for example, an exam or test. Which is a good thing, I guess. That kind of super-conscious feeling, of awakeness and razor sharp focus sometimes drains the life out of me. Bad thing is, I could not keep everything in for long. After 1 month, the memory is wiped off cleanly and I would have to start all over again.

Yet I thank God for this blessing He has bestowed on me. I count my blessings, and thank Him for everything He has done.