Well it is not the first time, I must say.

People turn back when the going gets tough. And only the tough gets going. I am not saying I am tough, but when it comes to friendship, it will be over my dead body before the friendship breaks.

So when friends suddenly appear distant, you can only nod and say “I’ll wait for you.” When they blame you for something you did not do, you can only  nod and say “Sorry for the trouble.” And when all else seem to fail, you can only nod and say “I’ll remember you forever.”

So after all these while, I have come to the conclusion that having a few close friends whom you can trust with your life is better than having many acquaintances. Even though the loneliness bites at times, even when it is cold, when the pain becomes unbearable, you still keep going, pushing through the blizzard knowing there is someone out there you have to reach and just cannot abandon.

I live by that principle – never abandon, never give up, never surrender. Even when it is painful.

It is just not me to turn against someone unless he or she betrays me. Then my wrath and vengeance will be worse than hell unleashed.

Yet, if the friend is true until the end, even if he or she did something wrong, you will brush it off.

Because like I said, friendship is like a seed that you nourish with love, care and understanding, until it becomes a mighty wise tree that can withstand the storms of hardships and difficulties.

Sorry for being emo. It gives me liberty and I can write more smoothly if I am emo.

I feel like going back to that stage in my life where everything feels better if it is painted in a shade of dark emo-ness, with everything in sight having a dark gloomy cloud hanging over it and images of people dressed in Gothic style appear out of the corner of my sanity.

It was a comforting world, one where I could scream inside my heart and no one cares.

It was the only place I could go if I feel upset.

And now I feel like opening the locks of the gateway to that world again. Feel like stepping into it and immerse my mind inside that cocoon of despair and darkness and daily living becomes a brooding, repetitive routine.

Why? Just because I feel like it. Feel like screaming.

Have you ever felt isolated from people around you, even though you are surrounded by people? Friends, especially? People who you think are close, reliable yet they do not seem to care enough? Or maybe the world is just like that – people do not care enough the way you want them to. Or maybe I am just an emo half-grown young adult stuck with an immature mind. Yet people label me as the ‘mature, serious, reliable, business-minded, no-bullshit guy.’ A guy with no emotions, no needs, no desires. And to that I say a big loud “Sod off.”

Hell, I am not invisible. Stop ignoring me. I look the way I do, not because I want to. I cannot smile at nothing, for no apparent reason. I look serious because I am BORN that way. So please, do not think I am a serious guy. Ask my buddies back at Kuching, they will know I am one crazy retarded fun guy who will not hesitate to parachute off a building. Sometimes I make jokes, but I say them with a straight face. Then people tend to misunderstand me. You either get it or you do not. Sadly people do not get me, sometimes.

Or maybe it is just that first impression. I had to say, first impression counts. Yeap they do. People look at you and think “Whoa one seriously serious no BS guy” and you are stuck with that image for as long as they know you.

I hate being the serious no BS guy. I like to make people laugh. So it hurts to see people not laughing, not because my jokes are not funny, but because apparently, I tend to melt into the background.

Like a background noise that is not part of their world, a negligible existence.

So please.

It hurts.

And I am going to stop caring about it anymore, I think. Going off to that dark emo world soon. And then thou shalt all hate me for being the “dark, broody Ian who does not smile at all and always has a dark cloud hanging over him.” But it is just a maybe. Just a 12% chance. Why? Because I care too much about my friends, and I will not let them go through that kind of hell I brought upon my friends back in Form 5.

Nuh-uh.

So yeah, hence, the reason for my wanting to scream out loud.

So yeah. I care, a lot. I do things for people, a lot. I hurt, a lot too. And I complain, a lot as well. Just a way to vent my frustration. Otherwise I will explode and little evil snarling creatures will burst forth and devour my enemies’ half-eaten vegetables in the fridge.

Rawr.

Forgive me for not posting something of more importance, say, pictures of my time in Prague. Simple reason – laziness. I have exam this Friday, I have to prepare presentation on bone ossification and bone age and of course I am lagging behind the lectures. Simply not reading fast enough. And you will not even believe at what kind of speed my female classmates read/revise. Their diligence and hardworking attitude is enough to make people commit suicide. Cannot even compare with them, otherwise I will die from brain haemorrhage and my guts will spill out. What an embarrassing death.

Stress + emo + frust + cold friggin weather + laziness + guilt from laziness + procrastination = scream

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Yay.